Another Kind of Selfish
by Rat-chan
Summary: A character study on Tatsumi. Slight language and Kyoto arc spoiler warnings.


Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to Matsushita-sensei and the people that own Hana to Yume, etc. If I did own it, don't you think more stuff from the manga would be in the anime?  
  
Angst warnings on this one, but I don't think I'm abusing it.  
Oh, and *Spoiler Warnings* for the Kyoto Story arc (anime eps 10-13, manga vol 7&8).  
  
  
Another Kind of Selfish  
  
I had myself convinced that it was selflessness that stayed my hand. I set aside my own wishes, sacrificed my individual happiness for your sake.  
  
Don't they always say that if you truly love someone, you can let them go?  
  
Tsuzuki-san, though it broke my heart seeing you motionless within Touda's flames, seeking a finish to endless life...if that was what you wanted and needed, then what right did I have to hold you to this world?  
  
It would be pure selfishness to hold you to this painful existence if that was not what you wanted.  
  
I told myself that it was the sacrifice of you, for you.  
  
Watari-san called it running.  
  
He shook me and ranted, until Kurosaki-kun stopped him gently, then ran to join you in the flames.  
  
They both misunderstood me! This was altruism on my part!  
  
Though it meant never hearing you call my name again, I would grant you peace.  
  
But the half of my mind that wasn't interested in justifying my actions -- in turning everything into an act of martyrdom so that I was the good guy -- told me that it was all grade-A bullshit.  
  
It was all another brand of selfishness.  
  
It was a bit of that same old pain, with a new dimension. It did still hurt to see you cry, Tsuzuki-san, but it hurt more to see those beautiful, electric violet eyes so empty, as they were in your insanity.  
  
If you were going to continue to exist in that state, I was too weak and selfish to bear it, so I wanted that empty shell to burn.  
  
There was also the selfishness of wounded pride. Weren't your friends worth living for? Wasn't I?  
  
If you couldn't bring yourself to live for our sakes (for mine), then there was no reason for me to save you.  
  
Then, from the cobwebbed fringes of my own sanity, from the corner of my mind where unlevened shadows rise, come insidious whispers...that you deserve this for hurting me...that if you don't care about me enough to live, to be sane, then you should die completely...that you don't even deserve to have Kurosaki-kun die with you...  
  
...but I can't be that horrible a person...  
  
In the end, selfish or selfless, accident or a sub-conscious wish to keep you, I saved you both.  
  
I only intended to pull Kurosaki-kun out.  
  
To spare you that last pain of knowing one more person died for you? That's what the others will believe...what I hope is the truth.  
  
...but maybe I was envious that Kurosaki-kun could do and say what I never could...  
  
...maybe black rage drove my shadow-skill to make you alone in those last moments...to make Kurosaki-kun live without you...to punish you both for having each other...  
  
...but then there would have been no way you would have been saved, too...would there?  
  
And you were saved. I'm sitting here, looking down at you in your hospital bed, apologizing. The words I speak to you are the truth, but are they all of it?  
  
I truly rejoice at your continued existence! My heart kindles every new time I hear my name in your voice.  
  
My joy is unadulterated...it must not be otherwise...  
  
"Thank you, Tatsumi."  
  
Don't hug me gently...don't thank me sincerely.  
  
I'm not worth it.  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author's Notes: Geh, I don't even know that I like introspective pieces, and that sounded like angst...and I don't like angst that much because it is so often misused by authors as a tool to make readers unhappy so they don't notice that the story lacks both plot and characterization.  
  
~Okay, beyond that: This story isn't necessarily romantic, you can take it however you want (if you've read other works of mine, you know where I lean).  
  
~Hasn't anyone else gotten the impression that Tatsumi may not like himself that much? 


End file.
